X-Day X-Cuses
#1. The Many Worlds Theory
One of the concepts lurking hideously in the background of “Bob” and the Oxygen Wars, by Waves Forrest] could be encapsulated in the line: “Fine. You get to do all the maps and paperwork for the new fork.”
Fork, folks. A splitting of the timeline into two. It’s all to do with quantum mechanics; just ask Schrodinger’s cat, if you’re in a timeline where the cat came out alive.
Apparently this splitting occurs all the time: WE GUARANTEE AT LEAST SIX NEW TIMELINES SPAWNED WITH EVERY DIE THROW OR YOUR MONEY BACK. Subatomic particles cause it. Birdies cause it. Mitosis and meiosis are also responsible. THINGS cause it. Even as I type, the UNIVERSE IS SPLITTING AND FORKING LIKE CRAZY WITH EVERY KEYSTROKE, CORRECTION AND BOUT OF INSPIRATION I HAVE!
And that you have too. Revel in your invisible power. And resent bitterly that all those PinkConDupes have this ability too.
Which means that when X-Day occurs, it isn’t occurring too. We have to keep this in mind, as we could wake up to discover that X-Day is steamin’ along, yes, but NEXT DOOR: off by one universe!
THAT, friends, could be why the Con tries to siphon away our Slack; it’s being converted in UNIVERSE-UP-FUCKING ENERGY which will be used to perform a massive _SHUNT_of the Xists STRAIGHT INTO ANOTHER PARALLEL UNIVERSE!!
Alternatively, those of you who haven’t (like me) paid up can use it as a panacea and say that “oh, we would have enjoyed X-Day, but we didn’t pay and thus bend the probabilities through the right angles and get into the right universe.”
Anyway, that helps me sleep better at night. And remember: just because you take offence at this doesn’t mean all your crosstime avatars do. Some of ‘em won’t even see this anyway.
Some guy called crazycurt had written…
> One of the stories of “Three-fisted Tales” that sticks in my > brain pan was the story called “Bob and the Oxygen Wars”.
——
Earlier, I wrote a little more briefly about what to do if this happened:
Give it a couple days.
OK, weeks.
Months.
Ahh, just form a political party, take over and run the world yerselves.
#2. The Battlestar Galactica Theory
They’re trying to kill off the Yacatisma, in order to ensure that there is NO CHANCE of them being cowed into alliance with the Conspiracy and its friends among the Space Bankers.
After all, who says that this mudball Earth is the only investment the Space Bankers have? They’ve probably got a mighty diverse portfolio. Heck, they may be able to call in favours of as yet unknown powers… powers mighty enough to make the Yacatisma back off. (And if they can pull that off, imagine what they could do to the Xists if they caught ‘em.)
I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna be Ruptured only to spend eternity playing a bit part in some never-ending Battlestar Galactica series from hell; I don’t wanna be sittin’ in my escape vessel if it means worryin’ about what might be gainin’ on me all the damn time!
As such, I’m quite content to wait. Who knows? Maybe the Xists will wipe out the Yacatisma in time for “Lucky Sevens” in 2004. Watch the skies; if they get close enough, the light show should be interesting.
Posted in Articles (SubGenius,Rants) by R Cruickshank 01/08/07 07:50 PM Tags: fiction, silly, subgenius
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